Bloody Brilliant!

Croc a Smile

Here's a funny joke that Peter sent to me today - I got quite the chuckle out of it and thought you might too:

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.  He also invited Colin,  the  only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. 

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.  How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was amazing.  How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again, Colin said 'No.'

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?'

Colin said, 'I just want the bastard who pushed me in.'

 

Front Row at the BAFTAs

England's Academy Awards, the BAFTAs, are on tonight.  They are taking place at the Royal Opera House, literally right around the corner from our flat.  But of course I'm watching it on TV....

And so begin my random and utterly baseless observations:

• I love Helena Bonham Carter.  Who cares if she looks like she got dressed in a blender, that girl's got character!
• Jonathan Ross just looks bad.  What is he doing??  Besides eating?
• Tom Ford is simply exquisite.  End of.
• Paul McCartney's wig is frightening. 
• I really hope Inception wins something tonight, it was such a fantastically original film.
• Jessie Eisenberg looks so short next to some amazonian girl whom I don't recognize.  He's probably 6'4".
• Love James McEvoy's cute Scottish accent.  Love it, much to my English husband's chagrin.
• Helena Bonham Carter is incredible!  Her knickers are hitched up and she pulls them out of her ass on live TV.  LOVE HER!!
• Wow, the guy who wrote The King's Speech had his own stammer growing up.  And now he's collecting an award on stage.  What's my excuse?  Sheer laziness.
• Geoffrey Rush is simply incredible.  He seems to pop up, do something amazing and then disappear again.  Glad he won and we got to see him again for a little while!
• Rosamund Pike, totally gorgeous, ad-libbing it like crazy. And not doing a very good job of it. (like I'd do any better, of course).
• Jessica Alba looks terrific, but boy does she seem like a total flake.  But a flake who can pull off a gorgeous blue dress, that is.
• JK Rowling should really splash out on a bra. They are desperate to get loose.  She should also stump up for a comb.  Other than that, she's fab.
• Neve Campbell - what the hell happened to her?  She looks utterly bizarre, like she just got kicked out of rehab or something. She has absolutely zero enthusiasm for anything.
• Haven't seen The Social Network yet.  Does that make me a TOTAL loser or just sort of one?
• Noomi Rapace is incredible.  I love her, and no one will be as good a Lisbeth as her.

That's all I've got in me, I'm bushed and I'm going to bed.  Back to the movies for yet another year.